Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in usera's LiveJournal:

Monday, July 7th, 2008
5:40 am	despite I feel the need to vent.....Why does life have to be so fucking expensive???? and unreliable???? I just paid rent and $700 towards a credit card bill and now im all paranoid that i should have kept some money back :( My house is falling apart, the bathroom is DISGUSTING and broken, so is the washer/dryer/pool/airconditioning/plumbing- all the luxuries of living in a rent-controlled situation are in need of serious repair- and i need to do laundry BAD- car insurance is about to be due (my first time paying) and dont even get me started about my job...... but despite all of this, i am still happy....i am really lucky to have the friends i have, the broken rent controlled loving house of roommates, the boyfriend of my dreams and a job where on rare occasions i get paid to take people to the movies and most of all the experiences i have in all of these situations- money/economy fuck you- i dont need you to be happy p.s- I HATE MONDAYS
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
12:21 pm	bleh I feel like i suck at being happy. I contstantly feel like everyone doesnt give a shit about me, because im so shy. Im not loud, funny, smart or energetic....so it kinda makes me fall into the shadows. i dont feel part of the group at all at work, i knew this was going to happen....it always does im too weird and emotional. and self centered. jeezus its just so hard to work on myself when im so self centered....i cant find a good balance i thought i was getting somewhere with my depression....but i still have most of the same insecurities and jealousy issues as before. what do i do....
Saturday, December 8th, 2007
12:23 pm	so i realized that julie is the only other girl in our friend group without a loving boyfriend...yay us it doesnt bother me terribly, but still :( i hope i dont end up alone for the rest of my life Current Mood: lonely
Thursday, August 30th, 2007
7:05 am	yeah, no. ive never had to put concealer on my face until now...ive never had more than 10 pimples at a time until now...i am embarassed of myself more than ever now why did this happen a) when i am single b) when i am insecure c) so freakin late in my life on another note- i need to go back to school, im not getting shit for what i do and im starting to get tired of it on yet another note- my car has been making this awful rattling noise and im worried its going to cost $$$$$$$ :(
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
3:51 pm	the wind is in from africa... i was going to leave a depressing message about my relapse about mike....but fuck it...everything will be ok ~and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down~ [if im singing-im not crying :)]
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
10:59 am	nothing has chaged my goals i made for myself: -eat healthier ( the only goal i do 70% of the time minus beer) -get in shape ( psh-if smoking a pack of cigarettes in two days is working out, i am a champ) -get used to being single ( i really dont know when i will like being single, but so far i still am-i still crave companionship like its nicotine) -get a career going ( i work mwf for 6 hrs a day for $10 an hr-you do the math) - be totally financially independent ( not even close ) -do new things ( cant do anything without money ) -be a neater and more organized person, i mean, i am a virgo- ( you would break your neck if you walked in my room) -gain confidence and self esteem ( refer to failed goals above ) -be happier ( when this will happen, i do not know) basically, i am not motivated, nor do i know how to get motivated, so i suck.
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
9:03 pm	hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate Current Mood: lonely
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
5:48 pm	mmm hmm i had a great weekend...im starting to feel more like myself and i think i want a one night stand! just one...i think it will be therapeutic, as long as its not raunchy i could have had one at the beach..but for some reason i didnt allow this cute guy to kiss me...hmmmm guess i have to work on my drunk seduction skills a bit oh well, i cant wait for saturday and by the way- pancakes dont make me horny...mancakes maybe
Friday, June 29th, 2007
4:51 pm	he dont care..why should i maybe i should just become a slut....thats how you get over people right?? eh. fuck guys...not literally, thats all they want anyways i hope she makes him happy.
Sunday, June 10th, 2007
5:38 pm	boo damn i lost 50% of my motivation to better myself this weekend...hooray hope i can get it back Current Mood: depressed
Friday, June 8th, 2007
6:46 am	why do i even care.... yes mike and i were together( in a general sense) for 3 and 1/2 years....but why? why did i fuck things up so many times, just to get back with him again and fuck it up more. i was a horrible girlfriend :( i should have stuck it together and tried to work it out the first time, but i didnt...i am so stupid :( now ive lost him forever, and i finally have motivation to try ( first time in my life i am motivated to better myself in many ways) but its too late...but i still cant help but worry that im never going to branch out enough to find someone new. not that i need someone right now, but i am the kind of person that thrives on romance and companionship ( yeah its lame as shit) im ok tho, its just SO fucking hard to erase the memories...and even harder to stop the thoughts that pop in my head- i just cant wait for the pain to go away :( Current Mood: crappy
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
12:49 pm	scary `I Fear... [] the dark [x] staying single forever [] being a parent [] giving birth [] being myself in front of others [] open spaces [] closed spaces [] heights [] black cats [] dogs [] birds [] fish [x] spiders [] driving or being in cars [] flying [] being touched [x] fire [] deep water [] the ocean [x] failure [] success [] thunder/lightning [] frogs/toads [] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom [] mice/rats [] jumping from high places [] snow [] rain [] wind [] crossing hanging bridges [x] death [] heaven [x] being robbed [] cotton balls [] cemeteries [] clowns [] large crowds [] men [] women [x] having great responsibility [] doctors, including dentists [] tornadoes [] hurricanes [x] diseases []snakes [] sharks [] Friday the 13th [] ghosts [] halloween [] school [] trains or railroads [] odd numbers [] even numbers [x] being alone [x] being blind [x] being deaf [] growing up [] monsters under my bed [x] creepy noises in the night [] bee stings [x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals [] needles [] blood [] veins [] dinosaurs if they were alive [] pain
Thursday, May 10th, 2007
3:35 pm	yeah this sucks.
Monday, January 8th, 2007
6:04 pm	life-3, amanda-0 i found out that i have a large ovarian cyst... the good luck keeps rolling with me in other news, i got a rental car. its a dodge magnum...haha-totally a novelty car, but it drives like a beast and i figured "hey i have a large cyst- i deserve to be pampered!" lets just hope it is benign, and i can stop stressing eventually :\
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
3:06 pm	A-lone B-oston i cant do this being single shit... damn it i need a part time job Current Mood: melancholy
Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
6:58 am	ok we broke up on monday. mutual but painful. so mutual that i stayed over afterwards with everyone else and watched weeds. granted i was stoned...but i wasnt crying. yesterday i cried twice...not too bad. but i was busy. going for a dry day today...pumpkin carving should help me keep my mind off of it